KILLING TWINKIE THE KID

I wanted to write a short eulogy for Twinki The Kid. The last few years have been difficult for The Kid to say the lest. There were hit teams sent out by the the First Lady from the White House with orders to ELIMINATE THE KID. Like most things in our culture they started by tossing The Kid out of schools as being unhealthy.

 

Twinkie the "Kid" died with his wife" Ho Ho, and his son, Ding Dong.

Twinkies humbly began in Illinois in 1930, and by the end of WWII these soft, vanilla-filled confections had won over the hearts of millions of couch potatoes worldwide. Who can fault Hostess for creating a treat so soft, so welcoming, so delicious that Americans couldn’t help but flock towards it? Eating a Twinkie is like a hug for your mouth, and who are we to turn our backs on that mouth-hug?

This woman gained weight but was always happy.

2011 may have been the year of deep-fried butter and breakfast-on-a-stick, but it was also the year that Twinkie sales plummeted by 2 percent. What has become of our values? What makes us think that we’re “above” comfort food? Comfort food helps us feel comfortable! Who wouldn’t want that? Instead, our society has shunned our confectionery comrades and embraced hot yoga and high intensity interval training. Have you ever been to hot yoga? It’s like your body is weeping for an hour and a half! Comfortable, it is not.

Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I know a perfect candy when I taste one, and Twinkies are snack-cake royalty. They’re soft and cakey on the outside, and refreshing and cool on the inside. Comparatively, apples are deceptive and slippery on the outside, making them difficult to grasp, and once you bite into them they’re crunchy and can potentially dent your soft palette. Moreover, apples easily bruise, and if they aren’t quickly eaten they turn a frightening brown color. I for one prefer to avoid foods that self-identify as shapeshifters, thank you very much. I’d like to keep food transfiguration off the dinner table and back at Hogwarts.

As a child growing up, I was never wealthy enough to have awesome snacks in my lunch for school. The other kids had Fruit By the Foot and Soda-Licious, and I had bran muffins and snap peas. So when one glorious day my Dad brought home a box of Twinkies from Kaufmann’s Foods, my heart soared! For the next two weeks my sister and I ruled the lunch hour. Just knowing I had my favourite power-snack hiding in my lunch kit gave me increased motivation for learning and improved my social skills! Alas, when the box ran out, my spirit felt just as empty.

Twinkie The Kid after being mugged by Union Thugs

In 2012 Twinkie The Kid became a target of the Unions. Even though he gave them more then they deserved, they demanded more and when he was unable to pay up they mugged him. Jabbing his soft belly with their picket signs until he collapsed. He soon passed on Nov. 16th 2012.

So here I am, trying to eulogize our once-beloved Twinkie. I’m saying goodbye to 150 delicious calories, enriched wheat flour, and cellophane wrappers. Farewell, caramel colour, and yellow #5. Happy trails, sodium stearoyl lactylate, dextrose, and beef fat. I guess I’ll have to go to the apple-vending machine when hunger hits. And next time you have a frat party and decide to have a Twinkie-eating contest, just think about what you’ve done. You’ll have plenty of time to reflect on your values when you’re speedily trying to cram 16 Clif bars into your mouth so you can get into Delta Pi Omega. I recommend the carrot cake flavor.

R.I.P. Twinkies. 1930-2012

Goodbye, old friend.