Twinkies humbly began in Illinois in 1930, and by the end of
WWII these soft, vanilla-filled confections had won over the hearts of millions
of couch potatoes worldwide. Who can fault Hostess for creating a treat so
soft, so welcoming, so delicious that Americans couldn’t help but flock towards
it? Eating a Twinkie is like a hug for your mouth, and who are we to turn our
backs on that mouth-hug?
Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I know a perfect candy when I
taste one, and Twinkies are snack-cake royalty. They’re soft and cakey on the
outside, and refreshing and cool on the inside. Comparatively, apples are
deceptive and slippery on the outside, making them difficult to grasp, and once
you bite into them they’re crunchy and can potentially dent your soft palette.
Moreover, apples easily bruise, and if they aren’t quickly eaten they turn a
frightening brown color. I for one prefer to avoid foods that self-identify as
shapeshifters, thank you very much. I’d like to keep food transfiguration off
the dinner table and back at Hogwarts.
As a child growing up, I was never wealthy enough
to have awesome snacks in my lunch for school. The other kids had Fruit By the
Foot and Soda-Licious, and I had bran muffins and snap peas. So when one
glorious day my Dad brought home a box of Twinkies from Kaufmann’s Foods, my
heart soared! For the next two weeks my sister and I ruled the lunch hour. Just
knowing I had my favourite power-snack hiding in my lunch kit gave me increased
motivation for learning and improved my social skills! Alas, when the box ran
out, my spirit felt just as empty.
Twinkie The Kid after being mugged by Union Thugs |
In 2012 Twinkie The Kid became a target of the Unions. Even though he gave them more then they deserved, they demanded more and when he was unable to pay up they mugged him. Jabbing his soft belly with their picket signs until he collapsed. He soon passed on Nov. 16th 2012.
So here I am, trying to eulogize our once-beloved Twinkie.
I’m saying goodbye to 150 delicious calories, enriched wheat flour, and
cellophane wrappers. Farewell, caramel colour, and yellow #5. Happy trails,
sodium stearoyl lactylate, dextrose, and beef fat. I guess I’ll have to go to
the apple-vending machine when hunger hits. And next time you have a frat party
and decide to have a Twinkie-eating contest, just think about what you’ve done.
You’ll have plenty of time to reflect on your values when you’re speedily trying
to cram 16 Clif bars into your mouth so you can get into Delta Pi Omega. I
recommend the carrot cake flavor.
R.I.P. Twinkies. 1930-2012
Goodbye, old friend.
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